Boris & Helga

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Originally Posted on GeoCities: 1998 March 22

Considering the fact that she could hardly move, I'm still puzzled about how Helga ever met Motovitch Kremov.  I mean, all we ever did our whole lives was sit on our fat asses and consume mass quantities while watching television.  And if we ever felt the urge to exercise (which was a rarely occurring phenomenon) we'd switch over to the aerobics channel to remind ourselves how strenuous and unworthwhile exercise is.  After that, we'd switch back over to the food channel, and I could feel myself gaining twenty pounds just thinking about what I wanted to eat next.  I'm sure that Helga felt the same way.

But I just couldn't figure out how Motovitch fit into Helga's life.  I mean, he wasn't even half her weight; a scraggly 200 pounds, he was practically skin and bones.  When I first met him I didn't know what to think of him.  But I started to like him after he started coming over frequently; he'd run to the kitchen for us and help the cooks bring food to us.  And even though there was nowhere to sit, since mine and Helga's bodies flooded over the whole Godzilla-sized couch, that didn't stop him from joining us to watch a television program; he'd just flop into Helga's lap and use her as a bean-bag cushion.

Nonetheless, I was shocked when Motovitch proposed marriage to Helga.  When he got down on one knee I thought that he was just getting ready to sprint off to the kitchen for more food.  Since Helga's ring size was near impossible to come by (she's just too unique) he had given her earrings that resembled engagement rings instead.  He was going to give her a ring on a necklace, but he had feared that she might swallow it in a feeding frenzy and choke to death.

The wedding would be expensive, not only because of all the food that would have to be bought, but because we would have to knock out a wall if Helga still intended to venture outdoors to hold the ceremonies.  Plus, Helga planned on getting hooked up to a fresh catheter.